Unconditionally

Last night, I wrote an entry in my journal that I felt needed to be shared. The things I discuss are always on my mind and I have very strong feelings for the LGBT community, especially those within my religion. It’s time those feelings are heard by more than just my family.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015  10:11 PM

This past weekend was General Conference weekend. Here in Utah, it’s basically a holiday. And this General Conference coincided with Easter, which made it extra special. Not too long ago, I used to look forward to General Conference. However, for the past few years, General Conference weekends have been full of trepidation, even dread. Being very close to my mother and her fiancé, I am very aware of talks that are about the LGBT community, whether it be directly or indirectly. I know that in every conference, at least one speaker will talk about marriage and family, and I know that talk will contain something - a word, a phrase, or even the whole thing - that is harmful to LGBT members of the church that may be listening.

This weekend, I missed almost all of Saturday’s sessions and a good portion of Sunday morning’s session. From the little I heard the remainder of Sunday, I felt like maybe this year was different. Maybe my fear was unnecessary and we were making progress. It didn’t take very long for me to realize how wrong I was Monday morning, when I finally went on Facebook. More than one speaker on Saturday did exactly what I was afraid of.

Later that day, my mom informed me of a man who had killed himself because of this weekend’s General Conference. This is not the first time I have heard of this happening and we didn’t even know the man. But despite those two things, I was hit with a wall of sorrow and couldn’t contain it as my mother spoke of people showing their support. Obviously, the support wasn’t enough for one man, and it broke my heart.

The thing about this situation that hurts me the most is that the man’s tipping point, the thing that figuratively pushed him off of the cliff, was the very thing that was supposed to save him. We’re taught that the apostles and prophets are supposed to lead us and guide us, that they are the mouths of the Lord. And yet, during one of the two most important times of the year, they say things that humiliate and tear down God’s most precious children.

Does Heavenly Father want this? Does He want His sons and daughters to be filled with so much anguish and despair that they end their own lives early? My heart is filled with a deep and resounding NO! Each time I ask myself these questions, I am reminded that God is benevolent, He is merciful, and most of all, He is loving. I know without a doubt in my mind that humiliation and self-loathing are not the things He ever wants any of His children to feel.

So why does He allow the prophets and apostles, his spokesmen, to say things that are so very damaging to thousands of people? Why doesn’t he prompt these men to instead speak of the one thing everyone needs to hear and know: that He loves us unconditionally?

As much as I wish and pray for the answer, I don’t know what it is and I don’t think I ever will. But what I do know is that God is real, His love for each and every one of us individually is real, and the LDS church is His church on Earth. So I will put my faith in Him and I will continue to love and support my LGBT friends and family. And I will do it the way He does: unconditionally.

I'm Not Finished Yet

I'll be honest, I didn't think I'd ever post here again. But sometimes I get the urge to write a blog post. Since I haven't written anything since like 2012, I would just push the urge away and continue on with life like I don't own 15 different blogs.

Today, however, I just feel like posting something anyway.

Here is how I read books:

I will read the first few pages. Normally, I start with just the first chapter. Sometimes, though, the first chapter is very short and I end up reading the first three or four chapters. Whatever, I just read at least the first five or six pages. If I'm not hooked by then, I stop reading.

This is a problem because it takes a lot for me to get hooked these days. I don't know if turning into an adult has affected how I enjoy things, but I can't just read anything anymore. It has to be good enough, and if I don't feel like it's good enough within the first couple pages, I won't waste my time.

Almost every single book I've attempted to read this year has ended up sitting in my "Not interested enough to get past page 10" pile. I don't rate these books and I don't count them as read, but I know it's very unlikely that I'll ever return to try again.

This discourages me and puts me in a funk where I am unable to read anything for weeks.

That's why I'm 19 books behind schedule on my Goodreads challenge. That's why I've read only half the amount of books this year that I'd read last year by this same date. That's why I've created a rule for myself that I'm proud to say I'm actually following.

My mom loves reading books as much as I do and a good portion of her room is taken up by stacks of books. Those books are her "to-read" books. She tells me, "I have too many books to waste my time on one I'm not going to enjoy." And she certainly does. The pile is ever growing and she probably only gets through one book every week, if that. So she has what she calls the 40 Page Chance. If by page 40 or chapter 4 (whichever comes last) she is not invested in the book, she will put it down, rate it as one star on Goodreads, and move on.

I decided that was a brilliant idea. Except that 40 pages just seemed too short for my usual 400-500 page books. So, my personal goal is to read at least 25% of the book before I allow myself to put it down and mark it as read.

I've tested this goal on the last three books I've read and I am loving how well it's working. I wanted to put down all three books within the first 10 pages, but I forced myself to keep reading. Each book came to about 400 pages, which meant that I had to read to at least page 100 before I would allow myself to give up. The result is that I've completely read all three books. Two were worth it, the third one not so much. But I felt so much better giving the low rating and posting my review because I'd actually read the whole book and not just the beginning.

I've started my fourth book today and I'm on page 23, but this time I'm already hooked. I've still calculated what page I can stop at just in case, but I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy this book from beginning to end. It's still nice knowing that I have goal to reach if it gets to hard, and it's even better knowing that my goal is working so far.

What do you do to keep yourself reading a book you find yourself not enjoying? Are you one of those people who have to finish a book, no matter what? Or are you okay with putting a book down that you haven't finished?

Sammy Keyes and the Girl Who Couldn't Appreciate Her More

I woke up this morning with a headache, my eyes crusty and heavy, and I just wanted to go back to sleep forever. Instead, I looked at what time it was, rubbed my eyes clean, and pulled out my new book Sammy Keyes and the Power of Justice Jack to read.

The Sammy Keyes series is one that I am embarrassed to tell people I read because it's aimed toward girls 10 years younger than I am. It's not a big deal, except the writing and plots are obviously aimed for preteens, the protagonist is in 7th grade, and the whole thing is just really cheesy.

A good cheesy, but most people wouldn't really understand.

I started reading Sammy Keyes when I was in 8th grade and fell in love with her almost immediately. I have been faithfully following her since then, buying every single book as they came out. Sammy Keyes is everything I want to be: smart, kind, spunky, funny, brave, and an all-around good person. She's just a fictional character, but I've always read her books and imagined myself in her shoes, doing what she does, and I always finish the book wishing I were really her.

Don't get me wrong, Sammy Keyes isn't perfect. She secretly lives in her grandmother's government paid senior apartment where kids aren't supposed to really even step foot in because her mother decided she would rather be a movie star than a mother, and her father is completely absent and has been for all of Sammy's life. Since Sammy isn't supposed to be living with her grandmother, everything she owns fits in one drawer and she only owns 2 pairs of jeans, 3 t-shirts, and a pair of high tops. She unwittingly gained an archenemy on the first day of 7th grade who's made it her life's goal to destroy Sammy's. She doesn't have the best grades at school, never has any money to play at the arcade with her rich best friend (and refuses to take money from anyone) and almost every adult, including her grandmother, thinks she's just another delinquent trying to get into trouble, even though that's exactly what she's trying to avoid!

But, of course, trouble is exactly where she always seems to find herself.

So why would I want Sammy's life? Because despite all of this, she has good friends who would do anything for her, a grandmother that adores her so much that she's willing to be kicked out of her home for her, a 75 year old grandfather-like man who makes the best hot-cocoa and gives the best advice, and most of all, she has adventure.

It also doesn't hurt that Sammy is the greatest person alive without even caring or trying. Well... she's not alive, but I sure wish she was.

Usually when I'm done reading a Sammy Keyes book, I'm jealous and envious and I wish that I could trade my comfy house and loving parents for Sammy's senior apartment with her grandmother. I wish that my brothers would become Sammy's best friends Marrissa, Holly, and Dot. I wish I could trade my serene little neighborhood for crazy Santa Martina. I wish that I could be brave and cool and take down gangbangers, thieves, and drug dealers.

This time, however, things changed. When I was finished reading the newest adventure of Sammy's, I found myself thinking about how far Sammy's come in 15 books and a whole year and how I can't wait to see what happens next. I thought about how fun it would be fun if I had the same kind of adventures with my friends as Sammy did with hers.

And then I walked into the living room and saw the mess it's in and realized that I did have adventures, they just weren't as scary and crazy as Sammy's were. And why would they be? This is real life. Having a 20 hour Harry Potter movie marathon is an adventure. Going swimming in a swimming pool that we're technically not supposed to swim in is an adventure. Playing night games in the bushiest part of the park until midnight is an adventure.

Once upon a time, I didn't have friends like Sammy and her friends and didn't go on adventures every other day. But that changed and I do have friends who I can do things with and go out and just live life, real life. I've always known that my life has changed since I became a part of my little brother's group of friends, but this realization I had today sort of puts it in sharper focus, makes me appreciate what we do more, and reminds me that it's not going to last forever.

To me, it's interesting that I'm not starting to like Sammy Keyes less now that I don't want to be her anymore. I do, in fact, like her stories so much more because I now I can relate to her and I can picture my real life being just as great as hers, which is much more achievable.

Standing Up

For a long time, I was quiet in my support for Gay Marriage outside of my family. It's wasn't known to very many people that I don't agree with making any kind of marriage illegal, and I never really posted much on Facebook about it. I'm not sure if it's because I was afraid of what people would think or say or if I just never really had a push to make my beliefs known.

I've decided to change that, however. As a member of the LDS church, it's really hard to support something like this and I was conflicted for a very long time. The Church doesn't support Gay Marriage because it's immoral and not ordained by God. I stand by that belief. Marriage certainly is between a man and woman, that is how God intended it to be and that is how I am going to continue to celebrate it as.

I suppose that if I didn't have a lesbian mother, I wouldn't have any problems with this issue and I would be against it. But I do have a lesbian mother, and she has helped me see the other side of the story. I still believe and will continue to believe that any sexual relations between members of the same sex is as immoral as any sexual relations between an unmarried heterosexual couple, but I don't believe that should make taking someone's right to choose away the right thing.

And that is why I support Gay Marriage. I support equal rights for everybody. I support the right to choose. That's really what this is about. It really bothers me when people bring religion into this because marriage is only a religious thing when you make a religious thing. Otherwise, it is an acknowledgment between you and the state that you are going to take care of another individual and they are going to take care of you. And when we take someone's right to get married, that isn't right.

The way I look at this is that Jesus said love everyone. He didn't say love everyone except the gays. He didn't say love everyone except for the people who disagree with you. He said love everyone. You don't have to support their actions, but you do have to love them for who they are. And unfortunately, their gayness is a part of who they are.

I believe fully in the Gospel and I know that this is the true Church of Jesus Christ. It saddens me greatly to see so many people in the Church forget that. People are so mean, they are so cruel, and they call themselves disciples of Christ. But you are only a true disciple when you learn to love unconditionally. And that includes loving the Church even when they don't agree with you.

Someone said that they stopped going to church because they don't believe in their stance on Gay Marriage and some people congratulated her for standing up for what she believed in. But she didn't. Leaving the Church because you disagree on something is not standing up for what you believe in. Continuing to go to church and doing what you know is right despite what people may say is standing up for what you believe in. Ceasing to go to Church isn't going to help anybody, it's only going to hurt you.

And so that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to stand up for what I believe in - equal rights - and doing what I know is right while doing it. I will not be making a statement by breaking the rules.

I will be participating in the Gay Pride Parade on June 3 to show that I still love everyone who may be struggling with Same Sex Attraction.

The PJ Project

Today I was trying to tell my little brother, PJ, to lighten up because he's being really grumpy and just plain out rude, even though I'm totally being the nicest I've ever been in my life. He says what he always say, "I'm sorry, but I can't." Which is total bull. Because you can do anything, and being positive when you don't want to be is probably one of the hardest things to do, but it's possible.

I know because I've been doing it for the past month. And sometimes I fail, but I just remember that life is always better when I'm happy.

So, I'm trying to tell PJ this, but he says that he can't be happy or positive and that he's not negative every day.

Yeah, he actually is. And it's really starting to get on my nerves. If I could move out, I would have done it a long time ago just to get away from the horrible energy he projects everyday.

Since PJ never listens to me no matter how nice I'm being or how loud I'm yelling, I've decided to try something different. Every time PJ's being really negative or being a jerk, I'm going to record it. And then I'm going to put it in my folder on my computer titled "The PJ Project" and leave it there until I have so much footage, it's ridiculous. And then I'm going to make a video out of it and show it to him.

He'll probably not even watch it. He may even break my camera while doing this. And he might never learn anything from this. But I think if he can see how negative he really is, then maybe, maybe he'll start listening to everyone who wants to see him happier.

So, he may think I'm being a jerk right now, and I would hate it if someone recorded me being negative all the time, but I think it's worth a try.

Plus, it might make me more conscious of when I'm being negative as well.

Halfway Through a New Year

It's been nearly a year and I'm back! I just need somewhere to put my thoughts because I have a lot of them and I would like to see them somewhere besides in my head.

So, here's what you can expect from me:

• Boys. Lots of boy talk. Especially about a certain boy who confuses me very much.
• Religion. I'm an LDS member and have been for my whole life. It isn't a religion for me, it's a way of life. And so I'll be talking about it from time to time.
• Writing. One of my biggest dreams is to be a best-selling author and I haven't even finished a "real novel" as my friend told me. I'll probably elaborate on that in a post.
• Gay Marriage and other liberal ideas. I'm liberal. Not extreme, but I have this belief that all men and women are equal and deserve to have the right to choose. So, I may rant a few times about these kinds of political issues, particularly gay rights because my mom is gay.
• School. I'm graduating with my Associates in Business Management and Accounting soon, but that doesn't mean I'm done with school. I'm hoping to get a Bachelor's in Psychology, so I have a lot more schooling to go.
• Family. There's lots of drama going on lately, and there will probably continue to be drama. We are family, after all; together forever.
• Friends. I have this group of friends and they're crazy and we do crazy stuff together. I didn't live until I met them.

Of course, that's not all that I'll be talking about. I'm just giving you a heads up on all the crazy, boring, and completely ridiculous things you'll be reading here. I'll probably be talking about boys and friends the most. And I'll probably change names, just for confidentiality reasons.

I hope you enjoy!

Writing

I am a writer and I have been for many years now. Writing for me is like reading a book: it takes me away from my crappy life into another person's crappy life that we all know will end up not so crappy in the end.

But writing is more fulfilling than reading because I get to choose what happens to the person with the crappy life. Perhaps I don't want my character to have a crappy life at all. I can write that. Perhaps I want my character's life to be so crappy that I won't feel so bad about mine anymore. I can write that.

Someone asked where I got my inspiration to first start writing. I don't think it was really a specific thing, person or moment, but rather an accumulation of those things. I can't remember the day I started writing or why. I do remember in my early days of writing that I wrote because I wanted to know more about what I was reading or I wanted to have my wild dreams and fantasies become real and the only way I could do that was to write it down.

Most of my story ideas come from books I've read recently. I will read a book and like the setting or the characters or whatever, so I will start writing my own story with whatever I liked from the book in it. It's not fanfiction, it's more of a desire to see more, learn more, experiment more.

My point in all this is that I don't have a set inspiration for what I write. Sometimes the most random thing can inspire something big and grand for me. My whole NaNoWriMo novel in 2010 was inspired by a single scene in an ANGEL episode. Most of my short stories are inspired by songs: sometimes the whole song, sometimes just a single line.

But whatever my inspiration for writing, and whatever keeps me writing, I'm just glad that I have something I love to do that nobody can take away from me. Except maybe Amy, who I'm incredibly jealous of.