Unconditionally

Last night, I wrote an entry in my journal that I felt needed to be shared. The things I discuss are always on my mind and I have very strong feelings for the LGBT community, especially those within my religion. It’s time those feelings are heard by more than just my family.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015  10:11 PM

This past weekend was General Conference weekend. Here in Utah, it’s basically a holiday. And this General Conference coincided with Easter, which made it extra special. Not too long ago, I used to look forward to General Conference. However, for the past few years, General Conference weekends have been full of trepidation, even dread. Being very close to my mother and her fiancé, I am very aware of talks that are about the LGBT community, whether it be directly or indirectly. I know that in every conference, at least one speaker will talk about marriage and family, and I know that talk will contain something - a word, a phrase, or even the whole thing - that is harmful to LGBT members of the church that may be listening.

This weekend, I missed almost all of Saturday’s sessions and a good portion of Sunday morning’s session. From the little I heard the remainder of Sunday, I felt like maybe this year was different. Maybe my fear was unnecessary and we were making progress. It didn’t take very long for me to realize how wrong I was Monday morning, when I finally went on Facebook. More than one speaker on Saturday did exactly what I was afraid of.

Later that day, my mom informed me of a man who had killed himself because of this weekend’s General Conference. This is not the first time I have heard of this happening and we didn’t even know the man. But despite those two things, I was hit with a wall of sorrow and couldn’t contain it as my mother spoke of people showing their support. Obviously, the support wasn’t enough for one man, and it broke my heart.

The thing about this situation that hurts me the most is that the man’s tipping point, the thing that figuratively pushed him off of the cliff, was the very thing that was supposed to save him. We’re taught that the apostles and prophets are supposed to lead us and guide us, that they are the mouths of the Lord. And yet, during one of the two most important times of the year, they say things that humiliate and tear down God’s most precious children.

Does Heavenly Father want this? Does He want His sons and daughters to be filled with so much anguish and despair that they end their own lives early? My heart is filled with a deep and resounding NO! Each time I ask myself these questions, I am reminded that God is benevolent, He is merciful, and most of all, He is loving. I know without a doubt in my mind that humiliation and self-loathing are not the things He ever wants any of His children to feel.

So why does He allow the prophets and apostles, his spokesmen, to say things that are so very damaging to thousands of people? Why doesn’t he prompt these men to instead speak of the one thing everyone needs to hear and know: that He loves us unconditionally?

As much as I wish and pray for the answer, I don’t know what it is and I don’t think I ever will. But what I do know is that God is real, His love for each and every one of us individually is real, and the LDS church is His church on Earth. So I will put my faith in Him and I will continue to love and support my LGBT friends and family. And I will do it the way He does: unconditionally.