Listening

Sometimes I feel like no one is listening to me or wants to listen to me. It's happening more often lately, and I think a big part of that is because I want to talk about NaNoWriMo and nobody else does. Nobody else I know is doing it or even cares about it, and it's something I really love. So it makes me feel bad that no one seems to care. It makes me feel...like crying.

It's not even a big deal. So what if they're not interested in what I'm interested in. The same goes for Parker. He wants to talk about World of Warcraft all the time, but I honestly don't care. In fact, I've told him that if he has anything to say about WoW, I don't want to hear it. Most of that is because I don't even understand what the heck he's saying and I can't pretend to be enthusiastic when I don't even know if I should be enthusiastic.

But even though I know it's not a big deal, it still hurts. I feel like I've finally found something that I care about, something that I am willing to sacrifice a lot for, and nobody cares. I've always been envious of people who know what they like, who know that they have something worth living for. I finally understand what they're feeling because I'm feeling it right now as I write my 50,000 word novel in the month of November. I am so excited and so proud of myself because I've never done something like this and I'm not only doing it, but I'm freaking owning it. But I have no one to tell. And it is probably the most disappointing thing I've had to experience next to my dad rejecting me.

I just wish I had a friend who would listen to me. I wish I had a friend who cared. I wish I had a friend that I could cheer on as well as have cheering me on. I want a friend who can understand me. But I don't have that friend. I don't think I have ever had that friend.

Today my word count is 39,062. I have 10,938 words to go. There isn't a single doubt in my mind that I'm going to be able to do in a couple of days what I've been trying to do for years. And I have no one to celebrate with.