I've been thinking a lot about my life lately. Growing up will do that to a person. For the past few weeks, getting a job has been the number one thing on my mind. So far I haven't even applied anywhere because I'm scared of a few things:
1. Rejection is hard for me and the first place I apply isn't going to hire me off the bat.
2. I suck at first impressions, and I'm going to need a face-to-face interview. I think that's one of the things that scares me most.
3. My resume is rather unimpressive. There's practically nothing on it. That doesn't make me feel very confident.
4. Getting a job will eat up all my time. I won't be readily available when people call me up to hang out. And it'll be tons more complicated to schedule weekends with my dad.
5. I don't think there is any job out there that doesn't require some sort of customer service. I hate customer service.
I could think of more, but all I'm really doing is coming up with excuses as to why I don't have a job yet. So I've decided just now to also come up with a list of why I do want a job.
1. Money, of course. When I have money, I feel free. I can do whatever I want.
2. I have way too much time on my hands and having a job will fix that problem.
3. There's a good chance that I'll meet new people and get new friends.
4. I think getting a job (if I get the right one) will build my self-esteem and give me confidence.
5. The guilt I feel everyday when I think about jobs will disappear.
Right now, the cons outweigh the pros. I have too much anxiety and not enough confidence to go out and apply to places. I get highly uncomfortable when I even just think about applying or interviewing for a job; the comfort level when I actually get around to filling out an application is distracting. It's hard for me to do these simple things, I think more so than others. I have a couple of friends where it seems like the only thing they do is apply and go to interviews and wait for phone calls from potential employers. I highly admire them for being able to even get the applications in.
The good news is that I have another friend who needs to get a job and I might go job hunting with her. It would be fun and it would definitely motivate me. I've already told her that we should go get our food handler's permits with each other soon. I'll have to set that up and then call her or something.
I'm going to go frost some cupcakes. I hope I don't drop another one.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Some People Can Explain Who I Am Better Than I Can
And they aren't even trying. I'm going to steal a paragraph from one of my friend's blog for an example. In this paragraph, she was explaining something about herself that was so much like me, I couldn't help but wonder if we're spiritual twins or something.
"I think of all the things I could do if I really applied myself like the people in history that you hear stories about. The kind of people that start at the bottom but out-work everyone else until they get to the top. I'm the kind of person that floats around in the middle because I'm talented enough to get by, but not motivated enough to push myself to the top. That's a pretty picture.. Sigh. I've always been a floater."
Every night I lay in bed thinking about all the things I could have done, and the things that I could do, if I would only just do it. I could have been a 4.0 student in high school. I could have aced every single one of my AP tests and more. I could have joined the softball team and done well. I could have been first chair flute. I could get a job. I could ace every class I have at this moment without problems (actually, I am). I could make lots of new friends. I could get active and run in some sort of marathon. I could become an expert archer. I could become so great a writer that my first novel will become a best-seller.
I could do all of those things and more. I just don't have enough motivation to do so. The last one, however, I am actually working on. Not as hard as I could be working on, but harder than anything else, including school.
It's interesting that I could be the best at a lot of things, I could do extremely well in most things...I just chose not to do it.
"I think of all the things I could do if I really applied myself like the people in history that you hear stories about. The kind of people that start at the bottom but out-work everyone else until they get to the top. I'm the kind of person that floats around in the middle because I'm talented enough to get by, but not motivated enough to push myself to the top. That's a pretty picture.. Sigh. I've always been a floater."
Every night I lay in bed thinking about all the things I could have done, and the things that I could do, if I would only just do it. I could have been a 4.0 student in high school. I could have aced every single one of my AP tests and more. I could have joined the softball team and done well. I could have been first chair flute. I could get a job. I could ace every class I have at this moment without problems (actually, I am). I could make lots of new friends. I could get active and run in some sort of marathon. I could become an expert archer. I could become so great a writer that my first novel will become a best-seller.
I could do all of those things and more. I just don't have enough motivation to do so. The last one, however, I am actually working on. Not as hard as I could be working on, but harder than anything else, including school.
It's interesting that I could be the best at a lot of things, I could do extremely well in most things...I just chose not to do it.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Just Another Blogger
I think it's interesting to find old blogs. And by old I mean blogs that haven't been updated for at least two years. I especially like finding old blogs that used to be updated nearly every day. There was one I was just reading in which a woman complains about all the rejection letters she gets from publishers to posting excerpts from the latest novel she's writing (she's very vulgar when it comes to writing novels) to talking about how mundane being a mom is. Out of all of the things she posted, I honestly preferred the complaints she had about rejection letters.
I didn't read every post she had. The blog ranged from 2002 to 2006...that's a lot of complaining to read. But I found it a heck of a lot more interesting than the old blog I found with only two posts. That ranged from March 2001 to March 2001. Boring. But even that one was more interesting than the one that was a completely different language.
I find these blogs by typing a random word or phrase and adding dot blogspot after it. Every single blog I looked up today had not been posted since at lease 2006. And all of them had the same template. I also found that most of them were very sarcastic people, people that seemed like the only reason they even bothered to post was because they were bored and had nothing else to do.
I finally decided I was bored with finding blogs created in 2001 and never posted on again and just clicked the "Next Blog" at the top of the page. They were more up to date blogs, but they weren't much better than the random ones I'd been finding by typing in words and phrases in the address bar. One of them didn't let me click on the "Next Blog" button and I felt incredibly trapped and afraid some virus was going to get on my computer and destroy everything.
Yes, I am very paranoid about the internet, especially when suspicious things like that happen.
So far nothing has happened to my computer, but I do feel pretty cheated out of an hour of my life. There are a lot of people out there who have pointless, stupid blogs. Maybe someone thinks the same thing of my blog, but I like to think mine is more sophisticated than all those others that I'd been looking at pointlessly for hours.
I didn't read every post she had. The blog ranged from 2002 to 2006...that's a lot of complaining to read. But I found it a heck of a lot more interesting than the old blog I found with only two posts. That ranged from March 2001 to March 2001. Boring. But even that one was more interesting than the one that was a completely different language.
I find these blogs by typing a random word or phrase and adding dot blogspot after it. Every single blog I looked up today had not been posted since at lease 2006. And all of them had the same template. I also found that most of them were very sarcastic people, people that seemed like the only reason they even bothered to post was because they were bored and had nothing else to do.
I finally decided I was bored with finding blogs created in 2001 and never posted on again and just clicked the "Next Blog" at the top of the page. They were more up to date blogs, but they weren't much better than the random ones I'd been finding by typing in words and phrases in the address bar. One of them didn't let me click on the "Next Blog" button and I felt incredibly trapped and afraid some virus was going to get on my computer and destroy everything.
Yes, I am very paranoid about the internet, especially when suspicious things like that happen.
So far nothing has happened to my computer, but I do feel pretty cheated out of an hour of my life. There are a lot of people out there who have pointless, stupid blogs. Maybe someone thinks the same thing of my blog, but I like to think mine is more sophisticated than all those others that I'd been looking at pointlessly for hours.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Fear
I'm not afraid of a lot of things, and yet I am. What I mean is that I don't have any phobias and I'm not actually afraid of what most people are afraid of (ie. spiders, heights, looking up...) but I am afraid of things that people would think 'Oh yeah, now that I think of it, I might be afraid of it, too.'
Here is a list of things I'm afraid of:
But for me, these things are different. I'm so afraid of being kidnapped that I was unable to sleep without a nightlight until I was 12 years old, and that is mainly because I sleep in the room farthest from the front door. I'm afraid of getting a divorce not because of all the heartbreak I will have to endure, but because I don't want my children to have to endure the pain of having essentially two different lives.
I am scared of these things, but the death is even a little different also. I often think about my own death (I know I sound suicidal, but I promise I'm not) and I'm ok with it. I'm not ready to die, but I'm not scared of it. This is because I believe in an afterlife, a place my spirit will go to dwell until the Resurrection when my spirit and body are reunited. What I'm scared of is my loved ones dying.
This is a stupid fear that I hate the worst because it is inevitable that my loved ones will die before me. And of course I'm comforted that these loved ones will dwell in the same place I will when I die, but I just can't bear the thought of life without them. I'm not married, I don't have kids, but just thinking about someone I love that much dying and me having to live without them is so unbearable that I can't even finish the thought before I am overcome with a feeling of not being able to breath and tears spring to my eyes.
So death is my greatest fear, a fear I am sure to face at some - and most likely multiple - points in my life. I will just have to be prepared to take it, to have faith that the Lord would not take someone who I would not be able to live without. Of course, I will still feel that pain that takes my breath away and makes me feel lifeless, I will still be afraid of it, but I will bear it. I will face it and take it head on.
Here is a list of things I'm afraid of:
- Being alone
- Being kidnapped
- Getting a divorce
- Being barren
- Death
But for me, these things are different. I'm so afraid of being kidnapped that I was unable to sleep without a nightlight until I was 12 years old, and that is mainly because I sleep in the room farthest from the front door. I'm afraid of getting a divorce not because of all the heartbreak I will have to endure, but because I don't want my children to have to endure the pain of having essentially two different lives.
I am scared of these things, but the death is even a little different also. I often think about my own death (I know I sound suicidal, but I promise I'm not) and I'm ok with it. I'm not ready to die, but I'm not scared of it. This is because I believe in an afterlife, a place my spirit will go to dwell until the Resurrection when my spirit and body are reunited. What I'm scared of is my loved ones dying.
This is a stupid fear that I hate the worst because it is inevitable that my loved ones will die before me. And of course I'm comforted that these loved ones will dwell in the same place I will when I die, but I just can't bear the thought of life without them. I'm not married, I don't have kids, but just thinking about someone I love that much dying and me having to live without them is so unbearable that I can't even finish the thought before I am overcome with a feeling of not being able to breath and tears spring to my eyes.
So death is my greatest fear, a fear I am sure to face at some - and most likely multiple - points in my life. I will just have to be prepared to take it, to have faith that the Lord would not take someone who I would not be able to live without. Of course, I will still feel that pain that takes my breath away and makes me feel lifeless, I will still be afraid of it, but I will bear it. I will face it and take it head on.
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