Fear

I'm not afraid of a lot of things, and yet I am. What I mean is that I don't have any phobias and I'm not actually afraid of what most people are afraid of (ie. spiders, heights, looking up...) but I am afraid of things that people would think 'Oh yeah, now that I think of it, I might be afraid of it, too.'

Here is a list of things I'm afraid of:

• Being alone
• Being kidnapped
• Getting a divorce
• Being barren
• Death

Those are reasonable things to be afraid of, right? I mean, who isn't afraid of being kidnapped if they think about it? Who isn't afraid of the thought of death?

But for me, these things are different. I'm so afraid of being kidnapped that I was unable to sleep without a nightlight until I was 12 years old, and that is mainly because I sleep in the room farthest from the front door. I'm afraid of getting a divorce not because of all the heartbreak I will have to endure, but because I don't want my children to have to endure the pain of having essentially two different lives.

I am scared of these things, but the death is even a little different also. I often think about my own death (I know I sound suicidal, but I promise I'm not) and I'm ok with it. I'm not ready to die, but I'm not scared of it. This is because I believe in an afterlife, a place my spirit will go to dwell until the Resurrection when my spirit and body are reunited. What I'm scared of is my loved ones dying.

This is a stupid fear that I hate the worst because it is inevitable that my loved ones will die before me. And of course I'm comforted that these loved ones will dwell in the same place I will when I die, but I just can't bear the thought of life without them. I'm not married, I don't have kids, but just thinking about someone I love that much dying and me having to live without them is so unbearable that I can't even finish the thought before I am overcome with a feeling of not being able to breath and tears spring to my eyes.

So death is my greatest fear, a fear I am sure to face at some - and most likely multiple - points in my life. I will just have to be prepared to take it, to have faith that the Lord would not take someone who I would not be able to live without. Of course, I will still feel that pain that takes my breath away and makes me feel lifeless, I will still be afraid of it, but I will bear it. I will face it and take it head on.