Writing

I am a writer and I have been for many years now. Writing for me is like reading a book: it takes me away from my crappy life into another person's crappy life that we all know will end up not so crappy in the end.

But writing is more fulfilling than reading because I get to choose what happens to the person with the crappy life. Perhaps I don't want my character to have a crappy life at all. I can write that. Perhaps I want my character's life to be so crappy that I won't feel so bad about mine anymore. I can write that.

Someone asked where I got my inspiration to first start writing. I don't think it was really a specific thing, person or moment, but rather an accumulation of those things. I can't remember the day I started writing or why. I do remember in my early days of writing that I wrote because I wanted to know more about what I was reading or I wanted to have my wild dreams and fantasies become real and the only way I could do that was to write it down.

Most of my story ideas come from books I've read recently. I will read a book and like the setting or the characters or whatever, so I will start writing my own story with whatever I liked from the book in it. It's not fanfiction, it's more of a desire to see more, learn more, experiment more.

My point in all this is that I don't have a set inspiration for what I write. Sometimes the most random thing can inspire something big and grand for me. My whole NaNoWriMo novel in 2010 was inspired by a single scene in an ANGEL episode. Most of my short stories are inspired by songs: sometimes the whole song, sometimes just a single line.

But whatever my inspiration for writing, and whatever keeps me writing, I'm just glad that I have something I love to do that nobody can take away from me. Except maybe Amy, who I'm incredibly jealous of.

Cannabalism and Other Cool Things People Do in Desperate Times

So I'm reading an apocalypse book called DIES THE FIRE where all the electricity goes out and guns don't work. Something to do with an electric storm and a whole bunch of physics stuff I haven't fully come to comprehend yet.

Anyways, in this story people are going crazy. It's a pretty natural reaction when nothing you used to rely on to survive works anymore. Except, some people are crazier than others and end up butchering and eating innocent travelers. One of the main groups the author has been following came across a camp of people who ran into the cannibals. One of the members mentioned killing the cannibals and the leader of the group whole-heatedly agreed with him and said "This bunch have read themselves out of the human race. There are things you're just not entitled to do, even to survive."

That got me thinking about THE HUNGER GAMES, which I reread just recently. In THE HUNGER GAMES, cannibalism was against the rules. It seemed a little odd to me, being a third party observer, that people would enjoy watching children slaughter each other, but not eat each other.

After reading that part in DIES THE FIRE, it really hit me that cannibalism isn't just eating other people. It's eating other people. It's as taboo as incest is. Even more so, perhaps. Mike Havel had a good point when he said that there are things that you just don't do. And eating your own is one of them. Not only is it murder, but it's sick and wrong. Our flesh is not meant to be eaten, no matter how much the hyenas would disagree with me.

Anyways, I hope you weren't too disgusted by this post. Just thought I would get some thoughts written down since I have no one to talk to about this at the moment. I highly recommend DIES THE FIRE by S. M. Stirling for people who like intense post-apocalyptic novels and aren't faint at heart - or stomach.

People don't get it. We all have different struggles. We all have urges and curiosities and flaws that we have to fight against.

I mentioned once to someone that I've always been curious about what drugs are like, even when I was a little girl and the only drug I knew of was cigarettes. They immediately gave me a disgusted look and went on to discuss how disgusting drugs are and how they would never do them.

Fine. You're not tempted by drugs. You don't have to make it sound like I'm sinning just because I wonder. I don't actually do the drugs. I've never seen any drugs besides cigarettes and prescription drugs. I just sometimes wonder what it's like to be high. I sometimes wonder what makes people keep going back to the drugs that are obviously ruining their bodies and lives.

Another thing. We are all different. We all feel loved by different things. I feel loved when someone gets me something that I asked for, but that I'd forgotten I'd asked for. Or when they get me something that I mentioned I wanted in passing a year ago. Last year for my birthday, my mom got me everything I asked for. And then she remembered that she had some of my favorite fudge hiding in her closet. I didn't ask for fudge. In fact, the last time I had even thought about the fudge was maybe 4 months before. It was my favorite birthday present.

My dad gets me money for my birthday. $25 dollars, every year, without fail. I don't like it. I don't want it. I want him to get me something that I've asked for, maybe spend some time with me by taking me out to dinner. To me, getting money for my birthday implies that the giver just didn't want to take the time to think about me. Sure, this is selfish, but it's how I feel.

My brother told me that he didn't understand how people could care about material things. He was calling me vain and selfish. He was implying that I only care about the possessions I have. But it's not the possessions I love; it's the meaning that they hold. I will forever remember the fudge that mom got me for my birthday. The fudge is long gone, but the memory of the love I felt when I realized that she listened to me is forever. I don't feel that love when my dad gives me $25 for my birthday because I complained that my step-brother got more presents than I did 10 years ago. (For the record, he did. Another thing, my little sister gets dogs and guitars for her birthday. Those don't cost $25 dollars.) It's not fair. I don't like it because I don't feel loved.

Is that so bad? Am I a selfish person because I want to feel loved and then complain when I don't? Nobody likes complainers, but nobody wants to feel unloved either.

I don't know. Maybe I am selfish. But it still hurts.

Lauren Oliver is Going On My Author's Watch List

Along with Meg Cabot, Brandon Mull, Sarah Dessen, and lots of other really good authors who I can't get enough of.

Now, I've read the two books she has published already and I liked them. But I would only give BEFORE I FALL a three star and DELIRIUM a four star. Oliver's writing is beautiful. Her stories are powerful. Overall, reading her books has really brought back my faith in young adult writers. So the problem I have with her books wasn't the writing or the plot or even the endings (which make me think twice about liking her books). The problem I have is the characters.

Now, her characters aren't flat. Her characters are dumb, or two-dimensional, or cliche, or cringe-worthy lame. Her characters were just hard to relate to. In BEFORE I FALL, the main character is extremely popular, best friends with the prettiest girl in school, and girlfriend to the hottest guy in school. Throughout the book she remains so. I just couldn't relate to her and I found myself detached from her story. It was a good story with a really good message, but I just didn't find myself loving the heroine.

With DELIRIUM it was a little bit easier to put myself in the main character's shoes, but it was still a little difficult. This time she wasn't popular, but she was still best friends with the hottest girl in school. This time she wasn't the girlfriend of the hottest guy in school, but she still ended up with a really handsome guy. And Oliver described her as an in-between kind of girl, a nobody. She doesn't sound like a nobody to me.

I don't know. That was really the only problem I had with her books. BEFORE I FALL was a bit slow in parts and I did skip a couple of pages, but my full attention was on DELIRIUM, and in the end I did find myself liking the main character enough to want to know more. But another thing about DELIRIUM: I still want to know more about the heroine's 6 year old cousin.

If Life Were Easy

I've been thinking a lot about my life lately. Growing up will do that to a person. For the past few weeks, getting a job has been the number one thing on my mind. So far I haven't even applied anywhere because I'm scared of a few things:

1. Rejection is hard for me and the first place I apply isn't going to hire me off the bat.
2. I suck at first impressions, and I'm going to need a face-to-face interview. I think that's one of the things that scares me most.
3. My resume is rather unimpressive. There's practically nothing on it. That doesn't make me feel very confident.
4. Getting a job will eat up all my time. I won't be readily available when people call me up to hang out. And it'll be tons more complicated to schedule weekends with my dad.
5. I don't think there is any job out there that doesn't require some sort of customer service. I hate customer service.

I could think of more, but all I'm really doing is coming up with excuses as to why I don't have a job yet. So I've decided just now to also come up with a list of why I do want a job.

1. Money, of course. When I have money, I feel free. I can do whatever I want.
2. I have way too much time on my hands and having a job will fix that problem.
3. There's a good chance that I'll meet new people and get new friends.
4. I think getting a job (if I get the right one) will build my self-esteem and give me confidence.
5. The guilt I feel everyday when I think about jobs will disappear.

Right now, the cons outweigh the pros. I have too much anxiety and not enough confidence to go out and apply to places. I get highly uncomfortable when I even just think about applying or interviewing for a job; the comfort level when I actually get around to filling out an application is distracting. It's hard for me to do these simple things, I think more so than others. I have a couple of friends where it seems like the only thing they do is apply and go to interviews and wait for phone calls from potential employers. I highly admire them for being able to even get the applications in.

The good news is that I have another friend who needs to get a job and I might go job hunting with her. It would be fun and it would definitely motivate me. I've already told her that we should go get our food handler's permits with each other soon. I'll have to set that up and then call her or something.

I'm going to go frost some cupcakes. I hope I don't drop another one.

Some People Can Explain Who I Am Better Than I Can

And they aren't even trying. I'm going to steal a paragraph from one of my friend's blog for an example. In this paragraph, she was explaining something about herself that was so much like me, I couldn't help but wonder if we're spiritual twins or something.

"I think of all the things I could do if I really applied myself like the people in history that you hear stories about. The kind of people that start at the bottom but out-work everyone else until they get to the top. I'm the kind of person that floats around in the middle because I'm talented enough to get by, but not motivated enough to push myself to the top. That's a pretty picture.. Sigh. I've always been a floater."

Every night I lay in bed thinking about all the things I could have done, and the things that I could do, if I would only just do it. I could have been a 4.0 student in high school. I could have aced every single one of my AP tests and more. I could have joined the softball team and done well. I could have been first chair flute. I could get a job. I could ace every class I have at this moment without problems (actually, I am). I could make lots of new friends. I could get active and run in some sort of marathon. I could become an expert archer. I could become so great a writer that my first novel will become a best-seller.

I could do all of those things and more. I just don't have enough motivation to do so. The last one, however, I am actually working on. Not as hard as I could be working on, but harder than anything else, including school.

It's interesting that I could be the best at a lot of things, I could do extremely well in most things...I just chose not to do it.

Just Another Blogger

I think it's interesting to find old blogs. And by old I mean blogs that haven't been updated for at least two years. I especially like finding old blogs that used to be updated nearly every day. There was one I was just reading in which a woman complains about all the rejection letters she gets from publishers to posting excerpts from the latest novel she's writing (she's very vulgar when it comes to writing novels) to talking about how mundane being a mom is. Out of all of the things she posted, I honestly preferred the complaints she had about rejection letters.

I didn't read every post she had. The blog ranged from 2002 to 2006...that's a lot of complaining to read. But I found it a heck of a lot more interesting than the old blog I found with only two posts. That ranged from March 2001 to March 2001. Boring. But even that one was more interesting than the one that was a completely different language.

I find these blogs by typing a random word or phrase and adding dot blogspot after it. Every single blog I looked up today had not been posted since at lease 2006. And all of them had the same template. I also found that most of them were very sarcastic people, people that seemed like the only reason they even bothered to post was because they were bored and had nothing else to do.

I finally decided I was bored with finding blogs created in 2001 and never posted on again and just clicked the "Next Blog" at the top of the page. They were more up to date blogs, but they weren't much better than the random ones I'd been finding by typing in words and phrases in the address bar. One of them didn't let me click on the "Next Blog" button and I felt incredibly trapped and afraid some virus was going to get on my computer and destroy everything.

Yes, I am very paranoid about the internet, especially when suspicious things like that happen.

So far nothing has happened to my computer, but I do feel pretty cheated out of an hour of my life. There are a lot of people out there who have pointless, stupid blogs. Maybe someone thinks the same thing of my blog, but I like to think mine is more sophisticated than all those others that I'd been looking at pointlessly for hours.

Fear

I'm not afraid of a lot of things, and yet I am. What I mean is that I don't have any phobias and I'm not actually afraid of what most people are afraid of (ie. spiders, heights, looking up...) but I am afraid of things that people would think 'Oh yeah, now that I think of it, I might be afraid of it, too.'

Here is a list of things I'm afraid of:

• Being alone
• Being kidnapped
• Getting a divorce
• Being barren
• Death

Those are reasonable things to be afraid of, right? I mean, who isn't afraid of being kidnapped if they think about it? Who isn't afraid of the thought of death?

But for me, these things are different. I'm so afraid of being kidnapped that I was unable to sleep without a nightlight until I was 12 years old, and that is mainly because I sleep in the room farthest from the front door. I'm afraid of getting a divorce not because of all the heartbreak I will have to endure, but because I don't want my children to have to endure the pain of having essentially two different lives.

I am scared of these things, but the death is even a little different also. I often think about my own death (I know I sound suicidal, but I promise I'm not) and I'm ok with it. I'm not ready to die, but I'm not scared of it. This is because I believe in an afterlife, a place my spirit will go to dwell until the Resurrection when my spirit and body are reunited. What I'm scared of is my loved ones dying.

This is a stupid fear that I hate the worst because it is inevitable that my loved ones will die before me. And of course I'm comforted that these loved ones will dwell in the same place I will when I die, but I just can't bear the thought of life without them. I'm not married, I don't have kids, but just thinking about someone I love that much dying and me having to live without them is so unbearable that I can't even finish the thought before I am overcome with a feeling of not being able to breath and tears spring to my eyes.

So death is my greatest fear, a fear I am sure to face at some - and most likely multiple - points in my life. I will just have to be prepared to take it, to have faith that the Lord would not take someone who I would not be able to live without. Of course, I will still feel that pain that takes my breath away and makes me feel lifeless, I will still be afraid of it, but I will bear it. I will face it and take it head on.

Epiphanies That I Will Probably Do Nothing About

Last night I finally stopped lying to myself. I have no life. My freaking hermit of an older brother has more of a life than I do. I don't know how I was able to get away with it for so long, but I haven't had a life for 4 years. It's pathetic.

I have revelations like this all the time, but only at night. It seems like the only time I have energy is when I'm trying to go to sleep. Because then I start thinking about my life and all the things that are happening. And then I start thinking about what I can do to make it better, to make myself happier. I start to make promises to myself about getting fit, building muscle, finding a job, making friends, meeting boys...getting a life. But as soon as I'm awake in the morning, I have no desire to do the things I told myself I would do.

Last night, when I had the epiphany that I seriously had no life and I've had no life since I was 14 years old, I promised myself I would get a life. And I started with promising to get a job. The problem is that I have no backbone, except when I'm trying to sleep. So last night it all seemed like a good idea, but now I'm not sure I will be able to do it.

But I'm telling you now, I'm going to do it. Not because I want a life though, but because Comcast is calling. I know that seems stupid, but when Comcast starts calling, I know we've run out of money. I'm 18 years old, I think it's time I started to help pay the bills.

LoL

No, this post has nothing to do with laughing out loud but everything to do with League of Legends.

Hyrum introduced me to this game on Saturday night (more like Sunday morning - it was midnight) and I wasn't really interested in it until I played. Then I was hooked. I stayed up until 4 that morning just to play.

Now I understand that the people who read this blog don't know or don't care about a computer game, but I don't care that you don't care. I need to get this out somehow and somewhere and no one will listen to me but my lonely blog that no one really reads. So here it goes.

In LoL, there are characters called Champions. You get to choose which Champion you would like to play, although not all are available. My favorite Champion so far is Ashe, the Frost Archer. She was the first Champion I ever played, but that's not why she's my favorite. My second favorite is Sivir, the Battle Mistress. But I'm only going to talk about Ashe in this post.

Ashe is an archer whose health is relatively weak and attack is amazing. I speak from experience. Ashe dies really quickly. She's a ranged Champion so that's not a big surprise. But she kicks freaking butt and that's what I love about her. (Sivir kicks butt, too, but I haven't gotten the hang of her nearly as well as I have Ashe).

Each Champion has special spells - or abilities - that are unique to them. Ashe's abilities are Frost Shot, Volley, Hawkshot, and Enchanted Crystal Arrow.

Frost Shot is an important ability that I really like, but use with discretion. It doesn't take a lot of mana to use once, but when you continually fire upon minions with Frost Shot activated, all your mana is used up and you have none left to use your other abilities with. I save Frost Shot for when I'm fighting against other Champions. Frost Shot slows them down considerably and is essential when I'm chasing someone down.

The Volley is probably my favorite ability and my most used. Volley fires 7 arrows in a, well, volley, to hit multiple targets. It's very useful when there's a group of minions fighting you so that instead of picking them off one by one, you can damage lots of them and move on faster. Also, Volley will apply Frost Shot, meaning that if I have Frost Shot activated, the 7 arrows that come from using Volley will be Frost Shot arrows. That's pretty useful when enemy Champions are mingling with enemy minions.

The Hawkshot I've found to be almost completely useless. The only thing it's good for is finding people in bushes, which isn't all that great. Maybe when I play more and start playing against people with more experience I'll find a use for it.

The Enchanted Crystal Arrow is a special ability that I can't learn until level 6. It's very useful, however, because it freezes the targeted Champion right in place. So if I'm chasing someone down and I don't want them to get away, I shot that big old thing and they stop in place. The Enchanted Crystal Arrow will travel all the way across the map so I can freeze Champions when I'm not even near them. I've found this to be useful when they're about to reach one of my towers and I'm still to far away to defend, if I fire it, it will slow them down enough that less damage will be done to the tower. It's a bit tricky though because you have to time it just right and shoot it at the right angle, otherwise you'll just miss. Also, another cool think about the Enchanted Crystal Arrow is that it freezes anyone near the targeted Champion - but that's only if the arrow hits the Champion. A couple of times I've aimed for one Champion and hit another, but they both got stunned, so that's a pretty useful feature. The arrow has no effect on minions unless they are near a targeted Champion.

The abilities have to be learned to be used and they are learned in levels. Each ability except the Crystal Arrow has 5 levels. Every time Ashe levels, you get to chose which ability to increase. When you increase an ability, the cooldown time goes down and the damage goes up. It's really smart to level the abilities in the right way or you're going to find yourself in a pickle. Here's how I level each ability (I've found this to be the most effective way to get the most damage done to the enemy):

Champion Level 1 - Volley
CL2 - Frost Shot
CL3 - V
CL4 - FS
CL5 - V
CL6 - Enchanted Crystal Arrow
CL7 - FS
CL8 - V
CL9 - FS
CL10 - V (Max)
CL11 - ECA
CL12 - FS (Max)
CL13 - Hawkshot
CL14 - H
CL15 - H
CL16 - ECA (Max)
CL17 - H
CL18 - H

Now, these abilities aren't the only thing that gives Ashe an advantage. Ashe relies heavily on giving maximum damage. She has a special perk that increases her chance of a critical hit the longer she doesn't fight. That doesn't sound like much, but it really adds up when she's traveling to a tower that's about to fall or whatever. She gets a critical hit on every enemy that she happens to hit first.

There's also equipment available to buy as the game progresses and the gamemakers were nice enough to recommend what to buy. I used to just buy in order of recommendation, but I learned that the higher I got Ashe's chance for a critical hit the fastest, the more likely I was to win the game. When Ashe's chance for a critical hit is at its peak, that usually means she's level 18 and does some pretty good damage. That also means that she always crits, no matter what.

This is where a combination of things come in. First, remember Frost Shot? Well, when Frost Shot is fully upgraded and has been activated and Ashe's critical hit chance is maxed out...I would say run, but even that won't save you. I'm not even kidding. Ashe can kill a Champion with full health in 5 shots with that combination. It's freaking annoying when you're not the one playing Ashe, but freaking awesome when you are. It's one of the reasons I love her so much.

By the time that Ashe's crit chance has maxed, all of her abilities have maxed also. That means that Volley cooldown time is like 3 seconds. Ashe just mows down minions with Volley by that time. And even though Ashe's health is on the weak side, when she's level 18, she can take a lot of damage. That's also contributed to the equipment bought.

I love Ashe. The only problem I ever have with her is when she dies too much at the beginning of the game so then it's a nightmare to get her to level, which is essential. If I don't level Ashe very fast at the beginning, I can't get all of her abilities maxed and I can't buy all of the equipment she needs. The best way to level her quickly is to keep her from dying. So playing next to Soraka or another healer really, really helps.

Maybe when I play Sivir more, I'll post about her. She's pretty freaking awesome with her boomerang sword thingy.


Disclaimer: I do not own League of Legends, any Champions mentioned, any pictures added, and any other stuff that I could get sued for. All information was found at http://www.leagueoflegends.com/ where you can also download and play the game for free.

Somewhere in Between Fat and Skinny...

So here's the thing: I'm not fat, but I'm not skinny either. People will tell me that I'm skinny, but all they see is...well, nothing. You see, I wear big shirts. They aren't so big that I look like I have no curves, but they're big enough to help hide the pudge of my stomach and make me look skinnier than I am. My big boobs also help with that because they hold the shirt out instead of letting it rest on my stomach.

Now the problem I have isn't necessarily the fact that my BMI is borderline overweight, but more of the fact that I keep on growing. Also, right now I'm not focused on losing weight as much as I am focused on stopping the weight gain.

So, to prevent myself from ending up on the Biggest Loser, I've decided to do a couple of things. First, I'm going on a carbonation diet. No more soda for me. Second, I'm going to start eating breakfast and stop eating so many fatty snacks. Third, I'll be eating a lot more fruits. I don't know about the vegetables, because I hate most of them. And fourth, I'll be exercising more.

This isn't all going to happen in one night. I still have to get myself motivated to go out and walk the dog or something. I have, however, successfully resisted soda for the past week. Not a big deal, especially since I have easily gone months without soda. I've had more opportunities to drink soda this week than any other week of my life so my resistance is a little more hardcore than usual.

Also, I have a big problem with eating breakfast because I don't feel like eating anything in the morning. Also (even though this is not true) I also feel like there is nothing to eat for breakfast. Who wants eggs and cereal when they can just go without? It saves a lot of time, too.

If any of this stuff is successful, I will try to remember to update you. For now, let's just put my stats down: As of sometime last month, I, a 5 foot 9 inch girl, weighed approximately 170 lbs. My BMI is calculated to be about 25.1, which is right on overweight. In one month, I will not be any larger and hopefully I will be a little bit smaller.

Research. You're Doing It Right

There's a famous quote that I have not idea who said but I try to live by: "Write what you know." As a writer, I know firsthand that it's ten times easier and less stressful to write about something that you know well as opposed to something you have no experience with.

For example, I can't just randomly write about a girl who lives in Butte, Montana because I have no idea what Butte, Montana is like. If I do attempt to write about Butte, I'll be killing myself over what it's really like and what people in Butte, Montana will be thinking as they read my obviously inexperienced story.

Once I read a short story in which the main character was playing the xbox game Halo. I started to read it because it was had Halo in it. At the time, I was a big fan of Halo and thought it would be awesome to read something with Halo in it. By the time I got to the middle of the story, it was obvious that the author had never played Halo before in her life. I stopped reading because it was so disgustingly wrong.

So, as a writer, I try to only write what I know. If I don't know something, then I go look it up. My search history has some pretty weird things in it because of all the things I've had to search. I think the craziest thing I searched for was "easy exorcising rituals" for my ghost story that I wrote during NaNoWriMo.

The reason I've brought this up is because a while ago I was writing a story and the main character randomly decided to jump out of a moving car. Fellow authors can attest to the fact that characters will do whatever they feel like, whether the author wants them to or not.

Now, because I don't want people getting angry for being wrong about how damaged from the jump (I focused mainly on physical damage because it's already obvious there's some mental damage if she jumped out in the first place) my character should be, it took me a few minutes and much changing of information to make this situation seem realistic. For some reason I never thought to look it up on Google.

I don't remember how, but Parker reminded me of this certain part in that certain story and it's been coming back for a few days now. So, naturally, I finally look it up on Google.

I didn't get much information on it. It's quite possible that I didn't ask the right thing, but I did find a cool thing that tells me how to jump from a speeding car. It wasn't really the answer I was looking for, but it gave me some good information. Now if I need to get away from kidnappers, I know what to do.

But, like I said, it didn't really give me the answer I was looking for. If you can't find your answer online, what do you do? Figure it out yourself.

You're probably thinking I'm stupid - Parker thinks I'm stupid - but I want to go out and figure out how fast a car can be moving so that when I jump out minimal damage will be done to my body. Unfortunately, I can't do this alone and Parker's not willing to jump out of the car for me as I go 5 mph. And since he can't drive, I can't be the one to jump out of the car.

I suppose I'm just going to have to go find someone else to help me. Perferrably a guy who will find this as interesting and as fun as I will. And it will probably have to be a guy who can drive so I can be the one to jump. I don't want to be responsible for anyone's injuries except my own.

The only problem? I don't know anyone with that criteria. And I suppose it would be a really good idea to save up some money for the hospital bill for when I break something because I went to far.

I'll let you know if I ever go through with the experiment.

P.S. Here's where I found the "How to Jump From a Speeding Car" article. I just want to point out that the car I will be jumping out of if I ever do this experiment will not be speeding. I hope that makes you feel just a little bit better about all this.

Dreaming is Awesome

I had a freaking awesome dream.

I was married to some guy with hair to his shoulders. That's the first sign it's a dream because I don't really like it when guys have hair to their shoulders. He was still really handsome, though. Anyways, we were in a race that I was participating in for fun and he was participating in for real. Apparently he was like a professional runner. The first ten people across the finish line got to go to the second round. I was doing it because he was and like I said: for fun. Even though I suck at races in real life, I was actually doing really well because I was keeping up with him and he was at the front of the crowd of people racing. When we got close to the finish line, he started to sprint. Of course he made first place. Then I decided I was going to sprint. I miraculously made seventh place.

So the next race was about to start and my name in the dream started with an M, like Miranda or something. We were all standing in a line, my husband next to me, getting ready to go for it. This time, I wasn't doing the race for fun, I was going for the win. I was going to work my butt off, because if I could win the qualifying race, then I could finish this race. The race starts and we all go for it and it turns into something other than a track field. This time it was like a water park. We were racing through a water park. And we had to do like 100 laps. If you missed any of the water slides or tunnels, you were disqualified. I was doing pretty well as people started to get disqualified. We were through a couple of laps when my husband and I decided to team up. We were doing even better as a team, even though it doesn't really make sense.

We were going through this one tunnel on our marshmallows - yes, marshmallows - when it all went wrong. He was telling me that there was a tunnel in the tunnel and I kept telling him that there wasn't. I came out of the tunnel we were in, and I was disqualified. I was really upset because I wanted to finish with my husband. But I got out and went to the place where all the disqualified contestants were sitting. I dropped my bag of marshmallows (which fell really dramatically and slowly) and glumly started to watch the race, occasionally taking a sip of water from my water bottle.

I was started to get into it when a girl contestant started to hit on my husband! Seeing what was going on, the disqualified contestant sitting next to me took my iPod and switched my headphones with the girls headphones. He was going to toss the iPod to either my husband or the girl, but I had no idea how this was going to keep the girl from hitting on my husband and sabotaging his win. Before the guy could toss the iPod down to the girl or whoever, there was a knock at the door and I woke up.

I'm kinda mad that I woke up because it was a really cool dream that I liked and I wanted to see what happened and how the iPod would have helped my husband. Also, whenever anything pertained to my husband, I think I actually felt love. It was a really good feeling and I liked it. Also, I learned that even though I, as a woman, may always be right, my husband can be right sometimes, also. Just kidding, I don't really believe in the "the woman is always right" thingy.

Anyways, as far as dreams go, that one is probably one of my favorites and I hope I can remember it even ten years from now. I wrote it down so that it would be easier to remember in the future.

Procrastination FTW

I have this problem. Everybody's had this problem at least once in their life. You're not normal if you've never procrastinated. But I'm not sure if everybody has the problem of procrastinating and then hiding the fact you procrastinated, like you just murdered someone.

I have that problem. If I've procrastinated doing my homework, I will wait until no one is around to do it just so that no one knows that I did procrastinate. Sometimes, people just don't go away and I never end up doing what I procrastinated.

I hate that word and how many times I've said it, so I'm going to find a synonym.

My homework assignment that was due last night I haven't done because I put it off until the last possible second. But then Mom was in the room with me, so I couldn't do it at the last minute, which means I put it off for even longer. Now it's late and I'm probably going to get a B, A- if I'm lucky.

I don't know why I do this. It's not like Mom knows my assignment was due last night at midnight and not tonight at midnight. I could tell her that I just forgot or that ANGEL was down, or whatever reasonable lie I can think of (and I can think of a lot) but I hate lying and that's what I would be doing. So I just don't do it.

This is a really bad thing because I'm in college now and delaying homework isn't going to get me that 4.0 I want. In fact, I already botched my 4.0, but not because of procrastination; that was actually because I did my homework on early and then forgot to turn it in. But still, this is a problem.

I wonder if they have a 12 step program for procrastinators like they do for alcoholics and stuff. They should because I would totally benefit from it, as well as all the people I know.

Seriously, who doesn't procrastinate?

Lyrics I Absolutely Love

“When I got tired of running from you,
I stopped right there to catch my breath.
There your words, they caught my ears,
You said “I miss you son, come home.”
And my sins, they watched me leave,
And in my heart I so believe
The love you felt for me was mine;
The love I’d wished for all this time.
And when the doors were closed,
I heard no I-told-you-sos.
I said the words I knew you knew:
“Oh God, oh God I needed you.
God, all this time I needed you.
I needed you.”

And I so hate consequences;
Running from you is what my best defense is.
I hate these consequences,
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don’t want to deal with that.”

—	Relient K, I So Hate Consequences

I did it.

I managed to create another blog where I can post my most private and embarrassing thoughts. No, I will not give you the address to this blog because then it wouldn't be private anymore. Yes, I did change my name and any other name involved to keep it even more private. Yes, I do post everyday. No, the blog is not really helping get it off my mind. I'm not quite sure if I'm ok with that.

Now, to get that stupid blog and the subject of that stupid blog off my mind, I'm going to talk about something else. What? I don't know. Let's start with the ridiculous amount of blogs I have, and how many of them I actually keep.

(1) First is obviously this blog. I think the only reason I keep it is because I don't feel like I have the obligation to update everyday like I have felt from other blogs. This blog is a sometimes blog, a blog that sometimes I will update and sometimes I will look at. This blog mainly has posts about long things that I don't really feel like sharing with my mom. This post is something I don't want to share with my mom, mainly because of the aforementioned private blog that she will want to read and want to know what it's about, but I can't do that.

(2) The next blog I'm going to talk about it the one that I update a tad more frequently than this one. The web address is likeaturtle.tumblr.com. I love Tumblr because it's so much more organized and I don't feel as restricted to typing as I do here. Duck and Cover (my blog title) is a random blog; there isn't a theme or a pattern to what I post, I just do. I like that. So I post more often on Duck and Cover.

(3) After I made Private Blog (that's what we'll call it), I made another Tumblog called The First Sentences. This one is at firstsentences.tubmlr.com. This one is a themed blog and is only the first sentence in the book my mom and I read. My mom is the second admin to the blog and can post as well as change settings. I decided to make this blog because on Duck and Cover I would post the first sentences of books I read and I decided that it would be fun to have a blog all by itself for that. So far there are only two posts, but I can't read books that fast with school at the same time. And I am not going to post the first sentence of my school books, that would be lame.

(By the way, if you would like to become a member of The First Sentence so you can also post the first sentence of the books you read, let me know in a comment in this post so I can let you the requirements of becoming a member. Please leave me a way to contact you. If you don't have a Tumblr account, don't worry. You can make one easily and for free.)

(4) Zermith is another Tumblog created by my brother, Hyrum. That is only a temporary title until we can think of a better one. That one follows the progress in our Minecraft world. Hyrum and I post screenshots of the buildings we create, the changes we make, and a birdseye view of our world. If you would like more information on Minecraft, go look up Minecraft Fanmade Trailer on YouTube. That might give you a pretty good description of what it is.

(5) Get A Life Dot Com is a blog I made with my little sister that we don't update. It was fun at first, but I don't post unless she posts and she doesn't post because she's 9 years old and doesn't get online often - which is a good thing.

(6) For Private Blog, I will tell you that it's on Wordpress.com and I post nearly everyday (at least I have so far), but that's all you need to know.

(7) I have another blog on this account that I don't update. It's called Just Pondering and it was about the quotes and things that I found interesting and had a lot to say about. It's been pretty much discontinued because I just don't have any quotes I feel like analyzing.

(8) I have yet another Tumblog that I've discontinued. It was called Scraps. I don't remember the url, but the blog was just a collection of things I had written but had never finished or used in anything. I've discontinued it because it was a pain trying to find and transfer all my scraps. I have a lot of them.

(9) I had a Live Journal blog strictly about one of my stories, but I've stopped using that one because I've lost inspiration for that particular story. I may actually go back to it because I've had a history of rewriting the story, but it's unlikely now.

Any other blogs (I think I have 3 others, maybe more) are not worth mentioning or I just don't remember them. In the future I might have more blogs, but I'm running out of places to create these blogs and I can't imagine what I'll need another blog for. But I'm sure I will come up with something and find a way to make it a blog.

Privacy

I have so much on my mind right now that I want to get out, but I just can't do that. The things on my mind are private and I don't want anyone to know about them, but I want to get them out somewhere. Usually my blog is the best place for me to go to just write down what I'm saying and I wouldn't have to worry about what I was saying because no one was reading it. But now, I don't know if anyone is reading this or not, and if someone is, there's a better chance of that person being someone I know than not. And if I posted what's on my mind, that would be very embarrassing because the person I know would completely understand what I'm saying no matter how vague I might be and then I would be made fun of for the rest of my life.

So, my dilemma is that I need somewhere to write my most private thoughts down, somewhere where I know no one I know will find it and laugh at me for being so pathetic. And the reason this is a dilemma is because I would have already found a private place by now if I could. I just seriously have no idea where to go.

But I'm pretty desperate, so maybe I will be able to figure something out.

New Year's Resolutions

1. Be more politically aware.

That's it. If you have any good ways for me to get political information, like website and TV channels, let me know. So far, all I know about is Glenn Beck, and I don't want just his opinion on everything.